First and foremost, if you have kept up with my blog posts, you know every piece that I write is written from the heart. You also know that I only share what I have already processed through and want people to know. Thank you for continuously tuning in to read what my heart has to say.

To say this was one of the hardest years of my life is an understatement. The year started off in chaos with us reaching the first full year of dealing with Covid and at times hope seemed so far away from the clutches of reality. However, through the chaos, I found moments where the light could not have shined brighter. In May, I turned 30 and got to celebrate that beautiful milestone with my family; what a joyous moment. I found out in June that I passed my counseling exam. This was the third time I had taken it and I passed! I was finally able to get back to practicing therapy; regaining a sense of fulfillment. The long-awaited journey to pass that troublesome exam had finally come to an end. And in June, I was able to finally walk across the stage with my master’s from Northwestern, as Covid had stolen my graduation in 2020. Though graduation was not what I would have liked it to be, as there were still restrictions and not everyone could attend, it was my moment and I soaked it all in; making the best of it. All of my hard work had finally come to fruition and my thirties had started off blissfully. Little did I know, the rest of the year would bring heartache, turmoil, and hardships.

July is where my year took a turn for the worst. On July 8, 2021, I found out that I was HIV-positive; I was devastated. I had broken my three years of being abstinent for someone I knew I should have left in the past, someone I had relations with on and off for five years; a man I trusted deeply. I was shattered and for a moment, had hit the lowest of lows. I had no idea that 30 would start off with such a huge bombshell that had detonated and destroyed me from the inside out, or at least I thought it had. I stopped posting positive messages on social media because the little positivity I had remaining inside of me was reserved for myself. I needed that positivity to push on and live. People would say, “I haven’t seen you make one of your positive videos in a while” but how could I? I had retreated inward and got lost in my head, as my emotions were clouding my judgment and impacting me negatively. Though on the outside, I am sure I appeared to others as if I were okay but I was not. I was drowning in a sea of sadness, losing every piece of me that I had built myself up to be. There were so many crippling emotions holding me back from outwardly shining my light to the world, the thing I grew to enjoy doing the most. I fell into a brief depression, my finances became poor, and I started to see a decrease in my credit score. All of the things I had worked so hard to improve over the years were slipping through my fingers. I was letting go of the tight grip on life that I had finally caught a hold of.

Throughout the next few months, I struggled to see the beauty in myself. I no longer smiled at myself in the mirror and stopped feeding into myself by spitting out compliments in the mirror, a form of self-intimacy I had grown to know and love. I stopped feeling confident and second-guessed my worth. I felt dirty and damaged and somehow convinced myself that others around me would see me in the same way. Despite the positive words and encouragement from my loved ones, it was now a personal battle within myself that I had to overcome. I spent the next few months processing with my therapist the situation and re-evaluating my life. I had become a victim of hate and rage. I wanted to whoop this man’s ass for what he had done to me. I had a moment where I thought I saw him and reverted back to my old self, quickly going into attack mode and ready to beat him until I saw blood. Afterward, a friend told me, “I believe that God was testing you to see how far you have come.” At that moment, I knew I had lost myself and was no longer the kind soul I prided myself on being. I am not a person who hates others and I was not about to allow for this moment to make me someone that I am not. It was at this moment, in the middle of September, that I started to regain my sense of self.

Now, this may be a strange mindset to gain an understanding of but I truly feel everything happens for a reason. My friends are shocked when I say that I am no longer angry with that man but it is true. I feel no sense of anger towards him. I let all of that go the night I prayed for God to lead him to heal like he is leading me, to give him understanding and clarity, for him to have peace of mind with this situation, and for him to learn patience with himself as I had grown to learn with myself. Yes, you read that write, I prayed for his well-being because that is the person I am. I do not hate people and I surely have let go of the side of me that is vengeful and full of rage. This is partly because I took ownership in my decision to have unprotected sex despite the risks. Yes, I asked him about his status beforehand and was assured I had nothing to worry about but despite that, the choice to have unprotected sex was still one I engaged. I had known him for five years and trusted him, so I had no reason not to trust him. I look back on it now and see that though this moment has changed my life, it was not the end of my life. One, I asked God to remove this man from my life and I believe this was the one thing that finally made me take that much-needed step to walk away from him. Two, God has never allowed me to go through anything that I cannot handle and I stand by that. My forgiving heart, resiliency, and unwavering kindness have always been three of my greatest gifts and there is nothing in this world that can take that away from me ever again.

This journey started when I was able to gain a sense of acceptance and began finding a sense of peace. I found the ability to not only forgive myself but also the ability to forgive someone who hurt me deep to my core. The other night, I cried because I had finally gotten back to calling myself beautiful in the mirror. If it is one thing this year has taught me, it is that there is nothing another human being can take from me because everything I need lies within me and in my spirituality. I am beautiful with a spirit that is evenly matched. I decided that moving forward I will live with intentionality in my full capacity and greatness, scars and all; no shame, no doubt, and no hesitation. Everything I do will be in love and full of light. Every moment in life will not be beautiful, however, I was born with the insight to always find beauty in even the darkest of times. I know this truth will come with some negative opinions and cruelty based on preconceptions and misunderstandings from others but that is okay, I already have everything I need to succeed. I have the love of God, family, friends, and the love of self. Those four things will always stomp out any darkness that may show its ugly head; there is no stopping me. Also, I just personally could care less about what others have to think. The more I grow, the more I learn how miserable and ignorant others are and that’s their problem, not mine. In the words of Albus Dumbledore, “Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” Well, my light is now shinning the brightest it has ever shined and nothing can take that away from me.

If you are out there and struggling with something similar or just struggling in general, I want you to know that you are not alone and though we may not be the same person emotionally or mentally, I am rooting for you to win. I am still unsure of what God wants me to use this diagnosis for, as I know it will have some part in my life’s journey. Now what I do know is I felt pulled to speak my truth, so maybe this is the start. When we are in a place of discomfort, it is hard to see the bigger picture, as we may be years removed from the overall objective. I thank God for keeping me and for allowing me to be in good health, as I am now undetectable. I’ll catch you all in 2022.

Peace, love, and light.