Dear Gemini, 

“Oh love, stop making a fool of me.” Loving you caused me to miss out on a lot of good men over the years. The memories of your sweet caress and gentle touch were hard to ignore. In my mind, I was waiting for you to finally see me and acknowledge that I was the one for you. I, thankfully, had finally come to the realization that you would never see me in such a way. Your inconsistencies and my naiveness to hold on to potential, rather than looking at things for what they were, led me to live in a fantasy. I dreamed about you at night while avoiding my true feelings, telling myself that they no longer existed. For years, I made myself believe that all the romantic feelings I had for you had been relinquished. I lied to myself to accept the reality that you and I would always remain friends; never exploring the endless possibilities that await us in an unknown future of romance. You were always the one man that could reel me in with just a glance, like a fish being reeled in on an inescapable hook. I have always seen you as this beautiful being and radiant light, however, adult me had to grow up and realize that you are just not the guy for me. As sweet as you are, I had to let go of every piece of you to finally move on.

“Silly of me to think that I could ever have you for my guy
How I love you… How I want you…
Silly of me to think that you could ever really want me too
How I love you…”

Thinking back on it, although you did keep me close while sharing some amazing moments with me, you never outwardly expressed to me any similar interests. You gave me the best of you while giving me nothing at all. The unfortunate part of you providing me with only pieces of you is that I was left craving you more. I fell in love with the idea of you; the romance of you. I enjoyed the conversations, the kindness, and the intimacy. We shared so many intimate moments full of vulnerability and timeless bliss. Before I knew it, I got lost in the trap of falling claim to a man that was not even mine. For a long time, I blamed myself for us not being together. From me always being away at school, to me sharing one of our private shared moments with an outsider. I truly regretted those moments because I knew I had destroyed any potential relationship we could have had. I had to grow up and learn that even without those moments, you, sir, were never going to commit to me. As an adult, I laugh at those moments of self-doubt and shame because it was never my fault that we were not together. And yes, I did do some hilariously juvenile things. In reality, you were never ready to take that step with me and that is okay. My mother once told me that it is completely okay to not remain friends with ex-romantic partners. “Silly of me,” to tell my family and friends about you.

The moment when things really sank in, is when a friend said to me, “It’s been 10 years and he has had multiple relationships; none of them have been with you.” Wow! The very last thing I had ever wanted to hear, yet the best thing I needed to hear. At that moment, I knew it was time to let you go. Two days later, I texted you to say I had to distance myself from you due to my deep feelings. It broke my heart to tell you that I needed space, however, my healing had to take priority over my feelings. Funny to think that three months prior, I had just confessed my long-time love for you. I even told you that I wrote a love letter; how clownish of me, lol. I may as well had been painting on my own damn clown mask; I knew better than that. Your emotionless response and laugh, as if I wasn’t embarrassed already, said enough. Somehow, I still only saw your innocence through that laugh. I waited for your response for a few days, only to be met with “it’s not the right time for me.” I was hurt, devastated, though I expressed my understanding. I should have recognized then that even after 10 years and so much chemistry between the two of us, you would never – see me. My dad once told me, while I waited for you, two and a half hours past the time of an arranged outing, “In this family, we don’t wait for anybody and you don’t wait for no man. Tell him I taught you how to shoot a gun.” Shout out to my dad for that gem of advice; he was right. I still cannot believe I have been waiting to exhale for 10 years; phew.

“You’re just a lover out to score
And I know that I should be looking for more
What could it be in you I see
What could it be…
Oh, love, oh, love, stop making a fool of me
Oh, love, oh, love, stop making a fool of me”

Who knows what would have happened if we had actually ended up together. I am thankful to you though, for all of those sweet moments. You are the guy that taught me about security. When I was with you, I felt secure in myself. You told me that my body was beautiful, even when I strongly disliked myself. You complimented me in so many ways and it was all so pure. However, you also taught me that having security in myself is even more important than allowing it to only rest in the hands of another man. Me being secure with myself is all I need and if a man cannot match that energy, then he has got to get the stepping! Any man who does not replicate the security I have for myself and causes me only chaotic thoughts that reinforce my insecurity, does not deserve me. I crave to feel like things are reciprocated; that someone cares for me as much as I care for them. I crave intimacy 10 times more than you could have ever fully given me, and I say all of this with a smile on my face. This growth I see in myself is happy; pure bliss from my inner being. You met me when I was getting over the Pisces and somehow became the man that broke through the barriers that I had established to protect my heart. You made me feel whole again. When I was around you, it was as if I were walking on clouds, as my stomach fluttered in the resemblance of joyous butterflies flying in calm wind. You came at the perfect, yet worst time in my life, as it was so easy for me to fall for a man like you; “a lover out to score.” Thank you for giving me those moments because you were the very best depiction of what would bring my dad’s words to be true; “you don’t wait for no man.”

Love, security.