Dear Pisces, 

I used to think that you were the worst guy that I had ever met. Now I realize that we were just young and dumb. You were my first love. I trusted you with my heart, as that was a piece of me that I have never given to any other man so deeply. You betrayed my love, my trust, and my loyalty. I loved you with my every fiber and being. You stole trust from me and for a short while, you damaged me. It took me roughly five to seven years to get over you. For a long time after you, I thought I was damaged and incapable of loving someone else or being loved. Turns out, I was damaged. However, I am no longer in that place. I have re-taught myself to know that I am fully capable of not only loving someone else but receiving love in return. I let that hurt sink in deep; too deep while allowing it to hold me back from giving other guys a chance. You really did a number on me, Pisces. From the cheating, emotional abuse, the physical fights, down to the moments where you intentionally attempted to hurt me; it was rough. Our relationship was toxic but it taught me a lot about myself and what I deserve.

We started off as best friends, so entering a relationship with you came easy to me. I was completely open and vulnerable. I trusted you to take care of my heart but you tore it out of my body and ripped it to shreds; that’s how it felt at least. Despite the many negative moments we had, I always was able to see your full potential and believed that we could overcome anything. Well, I was wrong. I should have left your ass when my family and friends told me to. Quite frankly, I should have cheated on you the way you did me. I say that then realize that cheating would not have actually made me feel better, though the thought is nice.

For many years, even while in the relationship, I blamed myself for us not working out. I beat myself up to the point that I did not even recognize who I was as a person anymore; but then again emotional abuse has a way of breaking apart the psyche and completely destroying a person. Can I say our relationship was all bad, no, but I can say that the cons heavily outweigh the positive aspects of our relationship. Now reflecting back on what I learned from our relationship, I can say that I learned a lot; especially from the heartache that you caused me. I like to think that you were by far one of my greatest lessons when it comes to dating and love. Without you, I would not love myself as deeply as I do today.

“I might as well have cheated on you
As much as you accused me of cheatin’
I might as well have lied to you
As much as you accused me of lyin’
I might as well have gone to the club
As much as you accused me of clubbin’
I might as well have given away my love
As much as you accused me”

From the heartache, I learned self-love and how to build myself to be better than I was before. The one thing you provided me during the relationship though, was passion. From the kisses to the sex, to the way you looked at me and touched me, I felt passion. This passion has been something I have been lacking in other relationships and something I haven’t quite known since I’ve been with you; well, from another man at least. Reflecting back, I now know that the only reason I have not known that passion is because I was holding myself back. I was not allowing myself to be fully authentic in romantic spaces or being honest with myself. I realize that you breaking my heart taught me how to look passionately at myself. That’s right, you set the bar not only for other men in the passion department but for myself as well. From looking in the mirror at myself, to dancing with myself to Marvin Gaye’s “I Want You”, there is so much passion in my life now; a passion that has been birthed from an internal place of self-love. And do you know who now owns that passion, me, I do. It no longer rests in the hands of another man, it rests with me.

If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t know what passion means or what it truly feels like. I love myself passionately because of you, and I thank you for that. It’s because of you that I now know passion to be something I need in a relationship. Any man I date should feel as passionately for me as I feel for myself. Also, I forgive you, as I forgive myself for the things I’ve done to you and allowed for you to do to me. The two of us were young and very naive little men who struggled with boundaries because we loved so passionately. It took me so long to utter the words, I forgive you. I was carrying around expired feelings and emotions that were longing to be let go; waiting to be exhaled. I do not necessarily ever want anything to do with you ever again. I learned this was a boundary I needed. However, I can say I fully forgive you and wish you all the best. I pray that over the years you have been able to find clarity, peace, and healing as I have.

Love, passion.