I miss the euphoric feeling of love and being in love, without the chaos and heartbreak. Like, my first love when I was naive and head over heels with butterflies in my stomach; pure bliss before the mistrust and tragedy sank in and became reality beyond the veil of love. My therapist told me that I need to redefine what love looks like and means to me, which is what I’m currently processing through and working on. Now that I think about it, I need a larger therapy journal to write these thoughts down.

The most frustrating thing about this process is that I know and can visualize what love looks like and feels like but my unconscious mind plays a role in my association of love and trauma. The interesting thing is, I feel the more I’ve learned and grown to love myself over the years, the harder it’s become to allow someone access to love me. If someone were to ask me what song comes to mind when I think of love, it would be Lonr. ft. H.E.R. – Make The Most. Though, I do love the acoustic version with Lonr. singing alone better; I’m definitely an acoustic head.

The vulnerability of an inquisitive and open, yet spontaneously thoughtful mind, is such a beautiful thing. I’ve been told that I over-share but honestly, what kind of therapist would I be if I didn’t know the power of my own vulnerability. I have no fears when it comes to expressing the inner workings of my mind attached to my feelings and emotions; it’s peaceful. I only share what I don’t mind people knowing because in reality, it’s me who has control of my own narrative, my own space, and my own being. Hell, the world would be so much better if we really allowed people the space to be fully authentic in their own vulnerability. I’ve found that same vulnerability to be the root of my writing and why I started a blog in the first place; it’s how I connect with people. I pushed myself to unlearn what I was taught about being “overly” expressive out loud and unapologetically. In doing so, I found my own freedom.